I’ve always loved history. My Grandma loves history too and she and I never run out of things to talk about because of this common interest. She took me to museums and lots of historical sites as a kid. At 89 she went to Tulum with me will my parents laid on the beach during a trip to Mexico and agreed with me Merida was a much more interesting place to spend a week than the beach. Not saying anything bad about my parents preference of how to spend down time, to each their own, but I am truly my Grandma’s Grandaughter and we love to learn!
When I first moved to Mexico my history nerd was in heaven! I had to see every ruin and every historical site I could in and around Merida… then I began to live here and stopped touring. Bad move but a logical one! Doing my comedy and making friends became more important than what made me want to drop anchor here. It’s normal I suppose. Of course you want friends when you’re new in town and even though I’m a non practicing comic now I still love it and at the time I was 100 percent dedicated to it and the dream I’d created around it. But like most things I set my heart on… it leads to disappointment, depression and a disgust with the world. I know that sounds depressing and it is a bit but it led me to realize on an even deeper level that the only thing I should set my heart on is me… loving me and enjoying who I am… so all the heartache and disappointments… omg! They sucked sooo bad! But knowing who I am… what I like… what I care about.. what I think… AND knowing it’s all good, valid and true no matter what others think… ah, pop the cork, hop in the pool naked and just enjoy the moment!
I made many friends in Merida and because wherever you are.. there you are… most turned out to be blazing balls of shallowness, fear based, back stabbing, don’t know high school is over, gone when shit gets real wastes of my time and heart…. and a very few have ended up being some of the most amazing people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing so my point is I’ve done great socially :) Any expat community is very transient and since I’d lived in Milwaukee my whole life it’s been fascinating to meet people from all over the world. It’s true people really are all basically the same and that is very disappointing. But ok, great lesson learned, wounds licked and now I know people aren’t worth wasting much time on. It was around the time this realization was setting in on a deep level I lost all my desire to comedy.
As I was learning how to do comedy I saw comic after comic trying to be the next Doug Stanhope or Bill Hicks. Both guys are alright in my book but I wouldn’t call them great. Bill Hicks was a soap box comic. What I mean by that is a person with a message they wanted the world to hear but they didn’t have another stage that would have them. I saw these comics endlessly in my first few years of comedy and it was so gross to me because you have an audience that sat down under the promise that you were going to make them laugh and instead they get bombarded by your bitterness and opinions about the world and occasionally you hit them with a funny line or a point where you become so ridiculous they laugh whether it was your intention or not. A lot of the people I ended up listening to at open mics and shows were just people that didn’t feel listened to in other areas of their life and as much as I respect the process we all have to go through to develop as a comic… I don’t want to hear that shit. I knew I had a ranter like that in me… (she’s speaking now… in a blog you are welcome to stop reading anytime… not on a mic in a room you are stuck in) so when I was first starting comedy and saw that this was annoying to me as an audience member I set the standard in my work that I was there to make the audience laugh first and express my opinions second. That didn’t mean I wasn’t true to who I was or how I saw things but the joke needed to be the point rather than my opinion.
The last show I did I had been struggling for over a year with the idea that I may be done with comedy. It’d been my focus for just 7 years which is nothing in the span of a comedy career but 7 years is still a long term relationship, there was a lot I still loved about it but I was still coming to terms with the idea that people aren’t worth my heart anymore and if I couldn’t get on stage and care about the people I was performing for…. then I had no business being up there according to the standard I set when I started. I knew I was still funny, life was still providing plenty of material but my enthusiasm for people in general was making performing more stress than fun and why do it then?
I love my last show. It was called You People and I worked on it with a woman from the consulate, Adrea Fears, who was originally from LA with a background in acting and a wicked sense of humor. I showed her my ramblings and she helped me mine it for the funny. I’d never written with someone before and it went great with her! She helped me hit my standard of joke before my opinion but we also let my opinion flow freely! It was the first show I actually did for me… I let my inner soap boxer go knowing I wasn’t paying my dues with the audience of meeting them where they are and I knocked one of the shows in the run out of the park. The audience met me and we had a blast! I know it might not sound impressive to the lay man but any real comic will know I nailed it. I had no open mics to work things out and hadn’t been on stage for almost a year. I had 4 shows in the run and hit it hard on the 3rd for an hour! Bitch, please! I rocked it! HA!
My Chihuahua Dookie was hit by a car and killed just a few days before the show run started… so yay… all that other stuff was against me AND one of my dogs had just died… still nailed it! Booyah! :) His death was caused because I’d let a street dog that kept ripping open the fence stay despite my gut telling me I should put her down. Nobody would adopt her, the rescues here are ridiculously over run and one had given me the run around when I tried to give her to them… the other I didn’t ask because I’d asked them for help before and I knew how slammed they were with dogs. In the end Evolution did step up and take her once Dookie was dead and I let it be known the street dog was at the vets office about to be put down. Dookie dying was another big wake up call I needed to bandage my bleeding heart. No more putting myself out for people or dogs. The image of his smashed little body lying in the street pops up everytime I see a street animal I start feeling like I could help. A kitten tried to move in with me, Dexter and Felix right before I moved to my current home. I did the due diligence of posting it trying to get adopted, trying to set it free, and trying to get it in a shelter… all failed so I walked it a few blocks away from my house and left his ass in the street. Call me cruel all you want… where were you when it was marking and scratching my furniture and scaring my dogs? And where were you when I was begging people to take the street dog that cost me my baby, Dookie?
I love all my dogs but Dookie was the sunshine of the pack. He was such a little brat and lover all in one. Dexter is my snuggle bug. No dog can out snuggle Dexter… he can melt any heart. Felix is my dude. He likes to play. He likes big hugs. He loves to walk and he doesn’t take any shit. He is the mellow calm muscle of our gang that knows barking is a waste of time… hang back and do nothing unless you need to bite. Dookie was the comedian. He was super tough and confident until he was confronted… then he came running behind me and Felix. He was energetic, happy and confident. I truly believed he died to teach me to stop caring more about others than I do myself and my dog family. We come first and after that if I can help cool.
Well I thought I was going to go on a rant about all the cool history things I’ve learned and observed lately but apparently I needed to spew about the end of me performing comedy and Dookie dying. Just as well. When Blossom died I knew it was coming, my friends and I had a funeral, it was a death with warning, closure and she led a life that had come full circle.
I’d just been holding Dookie telling him I loved him before he snuck out and an hour later when I was giving the dogs treats he wasn’t there and I found him in the street. A death with warning is definitely easier than a sudden death but they both hurt.
In the next instalment of Bitch log… all the fun historical things I’ve seen and studied!! Hopefully… who knows where my rabbit hole mind will be :)